Elliott Unleashed

Posted By on February 12, 2007

ElliottOur head cat, Elliott, is one randy boy. He’s been neutered, he’s got his winter chub on, and he’s addicted to my wife, Karen, curling his fat self into her side as both sleep. Despite his surgery, he’s also ridiculously horny, and, deprived of female feline companionship, has locked onto the next best thing: a stuffed animal. (Oscar, the old, cranky cat who lived with us long before “Alpha Boy” Elliott joined the household, shows no signs of sexuality – or of that much else.)

Back to Elliott, who can be a study in motion. My stepdaughter, Katy, tells Karen that a little pink pig has been moving all over the place in her upstairs bedroom (Katy’s, not the pig’s). Which is strange considering that the pig’s, well, stuffed. Darling, maybe. Soft, too, and cuddly – particularly to Elliott.

I came across Elliott humping Miss Piggy the other evening. He was active indeed, moving that little pig around like nobody’s business. The action was quick and concentrated and silent. Hysterically funny, too. What are you going to do? Maybe watching Elliott is one way our kids (Katy’s about to turn 15, Lylah’s about to turn 12) can learn about sex, wih maximum humor and minimum shame.

As for Elliott, there’s not much more to say and little to do. The guy’s an animal, after all. Maybe all he’s doing is experiencing the seasonal affective disorder that casts a pall over grey, cold Cleveland in winter. Maybe not. Actually, I have a feeling he’s acting on a primal impulse no surgery can kill. Welcome to Kitty Porn.


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I'm a veteran critic and business writer who reads and listens and writes about music, books, hotels and travel. I've been in the business for many years and still enjoy it. My pride and joy is my book, Cleveland Rock & Roll Memories. Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/CarloWolff